At “Ceviche Loco” — Contemplating Natalie Portman

I’m at “Ceviche Loco” in the Huntington Park barrio on my hour lunch break, contemplating Natalie Portman.

I feel somewhat faint and nauseous because I’m hungry. This has been happening a lot lately. I eat too much sugar and not enough healthiness. I fear I may have diabetes and, of course, REALLY hope I don’t.  It sounds expensive.

Damn, that fish ceviche was damn good.

Back to Natalie Portman. This morning I was feeling a blessed bird in the world. Grateful, humbled, and excited by my life…until I decided to log into my yahoo account…

FOR There it was, The Front Page Bullet:

29-year old Natalie Portman expecting 1st child with the choreographer beau/ballet success she met while filming “Black Swan.” They’re engaged to be passionately married. She’s nominated for 50 billion this and that industry awards! “Black Swan” makes a killing at the box office and WOOOS critics! An Art Film turned commercial success!!!! Exclamation marks, exclamation marks, etc.

Suddenly, every strong bone in my body aches then implodes into particles of shineless dust.  My shoulders slump, my sigh elongates, the bags under my eyes darken.  “Why the feck do u care, Vanessa?!”, I scowl at myself.

Is it because I’ve always longed to marry NP and make “Black Swan?”  NO.  Not that either are beneath or above me or wrong or right.  I’ve just had no compulsion to do either one in my life.  Then why the feeling of defeat, jealousy, and despair?

Because sometimes the Hollywood PR machine successfully does its job.

There will be Mondays at 10:12 am when Yahoo News paints the other side of your hill so blindingly green, you won’t be able to see for a while…

You won’t be able to see you’ve just eaten the best ceviche of your life…that your headache’s gone away and you didn’t puke/almost faint like the other day…that you watch The Golden Globes mainly because Nick Nolte attacks other celebrities on the red carpet.

You won’t be able to see that you envied the drunk laughing Chola chugging a 40oz of Steel Reserve outside of “Ceviche Loco” just now longer than you did Natalie Portman this morning.

You won’t be able to see that unconsciously reacting to fear-driven ideals, to beliefs about worth, success, and beauty simulated by those who know that the more you feel you lack the more you’ll feel you need and the more you’ll spend on things in a thing driven economy …

You won’t be able to see that at 3:05 pm you don’t give a damn about the 40 oz or Natalie Portman anymore.  You’ll just be thrilled to get back to your poetry and truly happy this blog post is over. ;p

About vanessalibertadgarcia

Vanessa Libertad Garcia is a Cuban – American writer & filmmaker who grew up between the burbs’ and hoods of Los Angeles. A graduate of Loyola Marymount University, she’s completed a myriad of successful projects that tackle both the film and literary worlds. Ms. Garcia has worked in various capacities as writer, director, and producer on fiction films such as the HSF/McNamara Arts Grant recipient “A Two Woman One Act” and documentaries such as “Maid in America,” which debuted on PBS’ Independent Lens. Two films out of the many, which have screened at top festivals such as The Los Angeles Film Fest, The Habana Film Fest, Cinequest, and Outfest to name a few. Ms. Garcia has had writings published by venerated literary staple Lambda Literary and the up-and-coming Amor Fati. Her first book “The Voting Booth After Dark: Despicable, Embarrassing, Repulsive” is drawing laudable reviews. It’s available for purchase at, barnes&, and many other sites. She presently has a feature film titled “Dear Dios” based on the books’ characters and a second book — the collection of poetry “Bloody Fucking Hell” — in development. View all posts by vanessalibertadgarcia

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