I really have to go to the bathroom … but I’ll wait until I REALLY really REALLY have to go to the bathroom. That’s just how I am. For now. I’m working on becoming a person who goes to the toilette when she gets the first initial desire.
“Why mention such a low-brow topic as this?,” you may be asking yourself. Because going to the bathroom is one of a handful of basic needs every living creature must experience in order to survive on this planet.
And yet, I hold it off … until I can’t any longer. Although the bathroom is only a couple of steps away. Doesn’t this strike you as strange?
Yes, we human beings stave off doing various essential things for reasons like: I’d rather write my blog.
So what, in fact, keeps my body sitting cross-legged in bed with a laptop draped over it even though it physically desires — more than anything at this moment — to relieve itself of digested no-longer-necessary fluids?
The Ego. It’s always The Ego. Or as my Ego is called “The Penguin.”
This brings me to the first topic at hand — I’ve identified my ego as The Penguin.
Horrifying sight isn’t it? I agree. This is why I’m at present working to own it, embrace it, and with loving kindness — kill it.
In doing so, I hope to cultivate my five favorite feelings and characteristics: 1) Humility 2) Gratitude 3) Compassion 4) Fearlessness 5) Peace
I’ve embarked on this quest for no altruistic reason. Purely selfish: I want to be fulfilled and whole, connected to a power greater than myself, surrendered to the perfection of what is exactly as it is, and learn from the present moment all the glorious lessons possible … before I kick da’ bucket!
What I yearn to be: Free in all sense of the word. To embody the concept of Liberated. Nothing to prove, nothing expected to be proved. A Purist — a seeker, a learner, a heartfelt doer — with little to no Ego coloring or guiding her feelings, motivations, and actions.
Yes, I have failed my Ideal Self and therefore have nothing left to lose. I aim at transparency, vulnerability, and thorough sincerity/honesty in all of my affairs.
I’ve taken to heart the advice of these passages:
“Once we have a complete willingness to take inventory, and exert ourselves to do the job thoroughly, a wonderful light falls upon this foggy scene … that his character defects, representing instincts gone astray, have been the primary cause of his failure at life; that unless he is now willing to work hard at the elimination of the worst of these defects, peace of mind will still elude him; that all the faulty foundation of his life will have to be torn out and built anew on bedrock.
Therefore, it seems plain that few of us can quickly or easily become ready to aim at spiritual and moral perfection; we want to settle for only as much perfection as will get us by in life, according, of course, to our various and sundry ideas of what will get us by. So the difference between ‘the boys and the men’ is the difference between striving for a self-determined objective and for the perfect objective which is of God.”
God: The name I give the unifying Life Force we all form part of — The sum of all our parts. The vast infinity of endless possibility fully realized. Ya know! I see it like this: We’re blood swimming through the veins of a whole body. Others may call this body: “Wholeness,” “Perfection,” “Allah,” “My Higher Self,” “The Universe,” “Universal Order,” “Baby Jesus in Da Manger,” and “Rodney Dangerfield.”
I actually tend to call It “Baby Jesus in Da Manger” and “Rodney Dangerfield” most of the time.
Honestly, I tend to feel trepidatious about discussing my spiritual exploration because Atheists are a indisputable pain the arse. They’re more overbearing with their opinions of what’s right! than the Catholics.
In my personal experience, The Religious and Non-Religious tend to be bossier than necessary. Spiritualists and Agnostics — I enjoy.
That being said, a part of my quest for personal betterment is to stop reading OMG Yahoo Celebrity News Updates JUST because I’m bombarded by their headlines every time I go to sign into my Yahoo Account.
I spent 40 minutes this morning reading about Jesse James’ engagement to Kat Von D Teese or whatever her name is, which linked me to Sandra Bullock’s hidden potential lovey dovey-ness with Ryan Reynolds (whoever that dewd is).
GAH! I felt TERRIBLY physically, psychologically, and spiritually sick at the end of that whole waste-of-time debacle.
I mean, really, I DON’T CARE! But my lower nature: my ego: my penguin had its way once AGAIN! And after 40 minutes of reading through Yahoo’s “news,” I all-of-a-sudden felt like a big fat failure — at my career, in romance … actually in my complete entire life … WHILE simultaneously feeling repulsion for the human race.
And why?! Because of Jesse Bullock, Sandra Dot Teese, Ryan Reynolds, and Kat that Tattoo chick?! Celebrity Culture-Watch is banal and yet I-keep-going-back-for-more. Oh well … It’s progress not perfection! ;p
Thus, in order to cultivate 1) Humility 2) Gratitude 3) Compassion 4) Fearlessness 5) Peace, I must A) Finish my Whole Life Resentment Inventory Breakdown this weekend to read to Group Therapy Mentor on Tuesday 2) Stop clicking on the OMG Yahoo Celebrity News! Updates NO MATTER WHAT and 3) Work for a week or two as one of those “Liberty Insurance” Sign Dancing people because I’d hate doing that more than any other job on earth. And since I want to KILL my penguin inside, I must face my fear head on … I’m mortified.
I believe that Humility at its core is just additional levity and Baby Jesus in Da Manger knows I’d enjoy some more light-hearted livinz!